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Sunday . June 01 . 2003 . 11:50pm "go get busy bee!" Who ever thought that ramen could go stale? This afternoon, around lunchtime, we realized that we had no food in the house. Well, that's not true. We had some cereal and condiments. In the pantry, we had some canned makings of food--tomato paste, chicken broth, canned beans, that kind of thing. And we have some freezer-burned Tater Tots hiding in the arctic freeze somewhere. And, of course, the ramen. But no real food. And frankly, no real motivation to go food shopping, since we know we're skipping town in another week to go to John's Great Big Outdoor Wedding in Colorado, and we don't want to stock our fridge if we have to dump all of our produce and dairy before we leave. (Yes, I know that we're only going for three days. And I also know that another option is to actually eat all the produce and dairy before leaving town. But I'm just talking about the psychological stumbling blocks of knowing that you're getting on a plane at the end of the week. Something about that knowledge coupled with the fact that we've been away from home for three out of the past four weeks just makes us want to order takeout all the time.) So I decided to cook up the ramen. I knew it was pretty old, maybe even four or five years old, but I figured that they were packed with preservatives, what could go wrong? It's dried flour and powdered soup, right? Wrap that up in cellophane and you've got some good army rations, the kind that can survive ten years on the top shelf of some bunker out in the desert. The ramen tasted horrible. It tasted like cardboard wrapped in sweatsocks. It tasted like old Ritz crackers dipped in plaster. I took one bite and went out for takeout burritos. This advice may seem obvious, but if you ever have the opportunity, don't eat four year-old ramen. * * * So yesterday I took the dog to PetCo and got her a fancy little dog bed. I never thought I'd be the kind of person to buy a bed for a dog--dogs sleep on the damn floor in the wild, right?--but that's before we got this really cute dog. Also, the real reason is that she got all these pressure sores from sleeping on the hard, hard concrete floor at the kennel (spa), and assorted urine/skin infections, so we thought that maybe a nicely cushioned bed would ease the blow (for us) when we have to drop her off there again at the end of the week. The thing is, Cooper has never expressed any interest in sleeping on anything soft. Sure, she stakes out the couch once in a while, and used to curl up in this old pink loveseat we used to have sitting in the corner until she destroyed it in a teething fit, but she'd just as soon sleep on the floor of the computer room or under the dining table if she had the option. In fact, she preferentially sleeps on the floor. So I don't know why I thought that she would be so blown away by the idea of a dog bed. The only reason I got the model that I did was because she was jumping all over it at PetCo and rubbing her face in between the pillows, but that may have been just because she wanted me to take off her harness. So now we're just waiting around for Cooper to decide that she loves the dog bed so that we can justify the fact that we bought it. (Feel free to substitute "I" for all the "we"s back there, as it's probably more accurate.) MICHELLE Cooper! Look at your bed! Look at your comfy new bed! JOE (In the manner of a dad eating mashed peas to tempt a stubborn baby) That does looks comfortable. Cooper, I would sleep in that. COOPER (Staring) MICHELLE Maybe I'll put all her toys in there. To pique her interest. (Throws in Kong, rawhide chew et al.) COOPER (Sniffing bed) JOE Wait, look, I think she's getting into it. COOPER (Runs to other side of room to look at bug on windowsill) MICHELLE And now she's not. JOE (Chasing after dog) Sleep in the bed, dammit! This is a good bed! (Lifts up the dog, places her on the pillow.) Now lie down. Down! COOPER (Staring) JOE Sleep! Sleep! COOPER (Runs away) MICHELLE Don't pressure her! She'll sleep when she's tired. Do you think the bed is in a good place? Is it good feng shui to put the bed against this wall? COOPER (Eating the bed) JOE Maybe we should smear the bed with pork. MICHELLE Wait, where does she usually sleep when we're not around? JOE I don't know, under the table, I guess. MICHELLE OK, then. (Starts pushing the bed under the table.) JOE Where are our legs going to go? MICHELLE This dog is sleeping in the bed, dammit. There must be some kind of medication we can take for this. xo Michelle |
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