worst scam ever The Sound of Music was on TV last night, so of course, I had to watch. Great, classic, old-time movie musical, ranking up there in lifetime repeated viewings with Mary Poppins and The Wizard of Oz. I always had a problem, though, with the wedding scene, where Maria is getting hitched to the Captain (played by scary dead-eyed mannequin Christopher Plummer). As she's walking down the aisle, the nuns are singing that song that goes, "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" I think that's kind of mean to sing on her wedding day, don't you think? How do you find a word that means Maria? / A flibberty-gibbert / A will-o-the-wisp / A clown. Not very nice, nuns. But then they rocked for dismantling the Nazis' cars at the end, so all is forgiven. Yesterday, I went to get The Cheapest Haircut on Earth, meaning that all I requested was a wash and trim, no blow-drying, no styling, nothing. The salon is just a few blocks from my apartment, so I was trying to hurry home afterwards with my wet hair, before the winter wind froze it into an icy horror mop. It was at this time that I got approached by the worst scam artist in the history of New York. SCAMMER (Talking fast) Hi, can I ask you a question? MICHELLE Sure. SCAMMER (Still talking fast) I'm Harry from Miramax. I just wanted to ask you where you got your shoes. MICHELLE'S INNER MONOLOGUE What does the first sentence have to do with the second sentence? MICHELLE (Looking down at shoes) Oh. I got these at Tip Top Shoes on the West Side. SCAMMER I don't know where that is. I'm from California. I work for Mirimax. Yeah, but I love those shoes, what are they called? MICHELLE (Slowly, as to a child) Clogs? SCAMMER Clogs. Wow, great. Hey, I love your voice, great voice. Nice. Say, We over at Miramax are looking for people to do voice-over work for cartoons, and we'd love to have you do a screen test. MICHELLE'S INNER MONOLOGUE Why would you have to do a screen test for voice-over work? SCAMMER Hey, this is not a come on or anything, don't worry. I'm married. MICHELLE (Covering) Oh, I wasn't thinking that you were-- MICHELLE'S INNER MONOLOGUE A total scam artist. Except I was. SCAMMER Our studio is right down the street, we pay $80 an hour, and I'd love for you to come on by and do some work for us. MICHELLE Thanks, but...I'm really busy. With my work. SCAMMER Oh yeah? Work? What kind of work? MICHELLE I'm a medical student. Hence, the clogs. SCAMMER Well, hey, yeah, you know, come by on a weekend then, we're open weekends too. MICHELLE I also work weekends. SCAMMER Oh. Well, if you change your mind, let me know. (Immediately whips out cell phone and starts talking fast, while walking away.) There were so many things wrong with this scam that I can't even enumerate them. Perhaps primarily is the idea that someone would just happen to ask me about my shoes of all things, and be so bowled away by my voice as I answered that they would whisk me away as the newly discovered voice-over artist of the year. And the crux of the scam wasn't even that flattering. "You have a cartoonish voice." At least say I could be a hand model or something. That has to be the worst scam since that guy approached my friend Julia and I in the park, offering to take photographs of us in his "studio." He also assured us that he was married. As though single men have the monopoly on sneakiness and perversion. xo Michelle |
Monday . December 30 . 2002 . 12:07pm |
worst scam ever The Sound of Music was on TV last night, so of course, I had to watch. Great, classic, old-time movie musical, ranking up there in lifetime repeated viewings with Mary Poppins and The Wizard of Oz. I always had a problem, though, with the wedding scene, where Maria is getting hitched to the Captain (played by scary dead-eyed mannequin Christopher Plummer). As she's walking down the aisle, the nuns are singing that song that goes, "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" I think that's kind of mean to sing on her wedding day, don't you think? How do you find a word that means Maria? / A flibberty-gibbert / A will-o-the-wisp / A clown. Not very nice, nuns. But then they rocked for dismantling the Nazis' cars at the end, so all is forgiven. Yesterday, I went to get The Cheapest Haircut on Earth, meaning that all I requested was a wash and trim, no blow-drying, no styling, nothing. The salon is just a few blocks from my apartment, so I was trying to hurry home afterwards with my wet hair, before the winter wind froze it into an icy horror mop. It was at this time that I got approached by the worst scam artist in the history of New York. SCAMMER (Talking fast) Hi, can I ask you a question? MICHELLE Sure. SCAMMER (Still talking fast) I'm Harry from Miramax. I just wanted to ask you where you got your shoes. MICHELLE'S INNER MONOLOGUE What does the first sentence have to do with the second sentence? MICHELLE (Looking down at shoes) Oh. I got these at Tip Top Shoes on the West Side. SCAMMER I don't know where that is. I'm from California. I work for Mirimax. Yeah, but I love those shoes, what are they called? MICHELLE (Slowly, as to a child) Clogs? SCAMMER Clogs. Wow, great. Hey, I love your voice, great voice. Nice. Say, We over at Miramax are looking for people to do voice-over work for cartoons, and we'd love to have you do a screen test. MICHELLE'S INNER MONOLOGUE Why would you have to do a screen test for voice-over work? SCAMMER Hey, this is not a come on or anything, don't worry. I'm married. MICHELLE (Covering) Oh, I wasn't thinking that you were-- MICHELLE'S INNER MONOLOGUE A total scam artist. Except I was. SCAMMER Our studio is right down the street, we pay $80 an hour, and I'd love for you to come on by and do some work for us. MICHELLE Thanks, but...I'm really busy. With my work. SCAMMER Oh yeah? Work? What kind of work? MICHELLE I'm a medical student. Hence, the clogs. SCAMMER Well, hey, yeah, you know, come by on a weekend then, we're open weekends too. MICHELLE I also work weekends. SCAMMER Oh. Well, if you change your mind, let me know. (Immediately whips out cell phone and starts talking fast, while walking away.) There were so many things wrong with this scam that I can't even enumerate them. Perhaps primarily is the idea that someone would just happen to ask me about my shoes of all things, and be so bowled away by my voice as I answered that they would whisk me away as the newly discovered voice-over artist of the year. And the crux of the scam wasn't even that flattering. "You have a cartoonish voice." At least say I could be a hand model or something. That has to be the worst scam since that guy approached my friend Julia and I in the park, offering to take photographs of us in his "studio." He also assured us that he was married. As though single men have the monopoly on sneakiness and perversion. xo Michelle |
