Thursday . November 7 . 2002 . 9:51am |
scenes from the e.r. As someone who works in a hospital, I can tell you that the hospital is the last place I would ever want to be. Ever. However, some people seem to be willing to say and do anything to be admitted. MICHELLE (Walking into exam room yesterday morning) So Mr. M, tell me why you came to the Emergency Room this morning. PATIENT (Disheveled, malodorous, covered with leaves) Yeah, I...uh...I had a seizure this morning. MICHELLE (Reading the EMS report, which states his chief complaint as, "I hurt my arm") Uh huh. Have you had seizures before? PATIENT Look doc, I'm not going to tell you any lies. I don't lie. I'm an alcoholic. MICHELLE I see. And this seizure was because of... PATIENT Not drinking alcohol. Withdrawal. MICHELLE I understand. Tell me more about this seizure. PATIENT Uh...I pissed myself. Oh (covers mouth) sorry. MICHELLE That's OK, you can say those words here. Did anyone see you have the seizure? PATIENT (Querulously) Look, I said I don't lie! MICHELLE I wasn't accusing you of lying, I just wanted to know more about what the seizure looked like. Were you shaking like this? (Shakes limbs) PATIENT (Crossly) I don't know! MICHELLE OK. So when did you have the seizure, and what happened after that? PATIENT The seizure happened at six. It was six o'clock in the morning, I remember exactly. (Extends bare wrist, with no watch on it.) So then I went to [hospital all the way downtown on the East Side] and they gave me Dilantin. Three...I mean, thirty...five...milligrams. And then I got hit by a police car. Then I came here. MICHELLE (Looking at clock. It is 7:30am) All this happened since six? PATIENT He hit me on purpose! Look, I don't lie! But I know. I'm not dumb. The cop tried to run me over! And look at this (shows dime-sized scrape on elbow), I'm bleeding! And I think my arm might be broken. Aaah! MICHELLE Sir, when was your last drink? PATIENT Um...six o'clock. MICHELLE Six o'clock this morning? PATIENT Yeah. MICHELLE Before or after your seizure? PATIENT Bef...no, aft...bef...aw, fuck, man! MICHELLE What's the matter? PATIENT I can't remember that shit! MICHELLE OK. So all this stuff happened this morning. So why did you decide to come here? Because of your arm? PATIENT No, I came here because I want to kill everyone. MICHELLE Excuse me? PATIENT I want to kill everyone! I want to kill them all! Aarrgh! [Sidebar: Under New York law, patients who report a sincere intent to harm themselves or other may be placed on psychiatric hold.] MICHELLE Should I call security? PATIENT No. Heh. Just kidding. I don't really want to kill everyone. MICHELLE Why did you really come here? PATIENT No, because I want to go into detox. [Sidebar: New York law also states that any patient with Medicaid requesting detox should be allowed to get a bed at a detox center.] MICHELLE That's wonderful. You want to change your life. PATIENT Yeah. So get me a bed. MICHELLE Do you have Medicaid, sir? PATIENT (Promptly) Yes, of course. MICHELLE May I see your Medicaid card so that we can get the paperwork rolling? PATIENT Card? I don't have no card. MICHELLE Well, why don't you go and get your card, and come back here, and we'll get you into detox. PATIENT But how am I supposed to get a card? MICHELLE Sir, unfortunately, we can't admit you for detox if you don't have Medicaid. PATIENT But...I want to be admitted! MICHELLE I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do about that. It's the rules. Go home and get your card, and we'll be able to help you out. PATIENT (Crossly) But it's raining! MICHELLE Sorry. But this is a hospital. If you want the names of some shelters in the area, though... PATIENT Um...argh! I'm going to kill you! I'm going to kill myself! MICHELLE I don't think you really mean that. PATIENT Well, fuck this. (Gather stuff and storms out in a huff.) Thank God I'm going into Pediatrics. xo Michelle |
