Sunday . July 21 . 2002 . 10:15am |
ten reasons i fear the suburbs My name is Michelle, and I have an irrational fear of suburbia. Most of it probably stems from the fact that I've always lived in a big city (with a four year college hiatus spent on a campus outside Boston), and I am a stubborn person who fears the unknown. I think I envision suburbia in its most extreme and stereotypical Hollywood depictions, as seen in "Edward Scissorhands" or "Fargo," with housing complexes and malls and station wagons as far as the eye can see. And yes, I know it's not fair. I know that with the exception of monthly visits to my cousins' home in Allentown, PA when I was growing up, I know nothing whatsoever about living in the suburbs. I know that when it comes to New York versus Everywhere Else, I'm a bit of a snob. But Joe asked me what exactly it was that I feared about living in the suburbs, and after some consideration, I've come up with some answers. 1.) Driving. I don't know how to drive. And in the suburbs, you have to drive everywhere. There's no pedestrian lifestyle. People don't just stroll around to go shopping or get errands done, they hop into the car and drive to the bank, drive to the supermarket, drive to work. It's not their fault, it's not like they're lazy, it's just that everything is really far away from everything else, and there's no other way to get around. Subways? Buses? Forget it. I fear driving. I know this. Mostly, I fear getting lost. What if I was out driving in the suburbs (granted that I ever get my license) and I just got completely lost, like, out in the woods somewhere, and forgot how to get home? 2.) Nothing to do. I know this cannot be true, that there is nothing to do in the suburbs, but, having spent four years in a suburb of Boston, I can say at least with some authority that there is nothing to do there. I mean, what exactly do I do with my free time? I spend time with friends. I go out to eat. I watch movies. I go to bookstores and hang out, reading free magazines. All things that suburban people do too. (But they have to drive there, as detailed in point #1.) But what else after that? You want to go see a play? You want to go to the museum? You want to go dancing, go hear the Philharmonic play, just sit at an outdoor cafe and watch all the Pretty People walk by with their Fendi bags and Prada shoes? Let's face it, you have to come into the city for that. And you know what, I know I'm lazy, and if I had to commute to do these things (which I practically have to do already, I live so far uptown that I'm barely in Manhattan anymore), I just wouldn't. So I guess that this all stems from a fear that if I lived in the suburbs, I would become a boring person. Or, you know, even more of a boring person than I already am. 3.) Strip malls. I don't know why, I just find something very creepy about strip malls. Especially strip malls with any of the following establishments: Jo-Ann Fabrics, Hooters, Dress Barn, or Friendly's. 4.) No one to fix your house. People in the suburbs live in houses, right? Well, what happens if something in your house breaks? Like you toilet stops flushing, or your drains get clogged? Here, I just write a work-order down in the lobby, and during the day, some nice handyman comes and makes everything work right again. What happens in the suburbs? Would I have to fix my own broken faucet? I guess I could always call a plumber, or Joe could do it, (or I could learn to do it myself...) but there's something nice and secure about having a super. Not to mention all the extra maintenance on a suburban dwelling. Roof repairs. Lawn care. Shoveling snow in the winter. These are things that I never had to think about. And, if I had my way, never would have to think about. 5.) Bugs. I hate bugs. There are a lot of bugs out there in the suburbs. Yes there are. 6.) The Others. What if people in the suburbs aren't like me? What if they're not all cynical and sarcastic, and they don't get my jokes, and think I'm some weird twisted New York ex-pat? What if all they want to talk about is lawn treatments and dishwasher maintenance? What if I don't have any friends? What if I'm lonely? 7.) New York pride. Right now, I love telling people that I live in New York. I love telling people that I grew up here. I love this city, and I'm proud to be a native. If I lived in the suburbs, I wouldn't have that anymore. They don't make movies about Mahwah, NJ. Sex and the City is not about Sex and Lehigh Valley, PA. John Cheever and J.D. Salinger did not write books about Waltham, MA. (Well, OK, some of their stories were about the suburbs, but those were the scary ones.) 8.) Food. It would be difficult to find a really good Japanese restaurant. Or a really good Indian restaurant. Or any kind of international dining. This I know for a fact. During my stint in the suburbs for college, I can't tell you how many times people would say something like, "Oh, there's this great Chinese food place nearby, the food is really authentic!" And then we would drive up to this place with an all-you-can-eat-$9.95-dinner- buffet with steamer trays full of spring rolls and General Tso's chicken. Not to be a food snob or anything, but come on. If we were suburban, we would have to eat at The Olive Garden all the time. 9.) Proximity. I love living where a high density of high school and college acquaintances also live, because that means five times the number of out-of town visitors, and countless run-ins and "Hey, remember that guy?" sightings. It's just easier to keep in touch with people if they're nearby. Maybe if I lived in the suburbs, no one would visit me anymore. Maybe not even my own parents. My dad is like an Asian Woody Allen, he hates the idea of leaving Manhattan so much. 10.) Change. The suburbs are different from New York, and therefore, scary. So now that I've probably offended everyone in sight, I'm going to stop. Don't bother trying to talk me out of this stuff, I already know it's irrational, but everyone has to be obsessed with something, right? xo Michelle |
