Wednesday . July 17 . 2002 . 9:47pm |
it ain't over 'til it's over [Note: I have taken to replacing the names of specific programs and towns with blank spaces, just to keep things nice and anonymous, even if it's a little late for those who have been keeping up. I still have to apply to a bunch of these places, remember. Best not to piss anyone off in advance.] While having made a quick decision on one side of the divide last night allowed us both the sleep a little better, I knew that it wouldn't be the end of it. In fact, even as I woke up this morning, I knew that we'd be discussing the very same issue again this evening. It's a very interesting kind of discussion. It's frustrating, but not exactly an argument. We're not mad at each other. We know that this isn't about the relationship. We've both said that the important thing in the end is that we're together, and we know that both of us can make do with either scenario. Both of us feel bad anytime the other concedes something, because there's no real relief or happiness in knowing that the other is upset with the decision that has been made. But we could just go on and on talking about this and not get anywhere, because we're talking about two totally different ideas masquerading as the same thing. So while we keep discussing and trying to think of new ways to come at this problem, what both of is really want, deep inside, is for the other person to change his or her mind so that we can both be really happy with one decision that we made together, wholeheartedly. MICHELLE I mean, I know you're a star, and I know that you've always gone to the best schools, so it's important for you to try for the best program. JOE Yeah, but... MICHELLE So if you really really want that, and you know that you'd be just miserable at another program, knowing that you didn't give it a good try for the top, then maybe that's what we'll just have to do. Maybe we'll just go for it. JOE But that's not going to work, for you to just say, "let's do it." I don't want you to be miserable. MICHELLE Well, that's true. (Changing tactics) And, honestly, tell me if this is fair or not, but I've said for my entire adult life that I've wanted to stay in New York. And you've decided all of five days ago that you want to head to _________. Is that fair for me to just go along with that, with something that you didn't even know that you wanted until less than a week ago? JOE Yeah, I didn't want it because I didn't know that I could was in the position to get it. MICHELLE Just because you can doesn't mean you have to. JOE I just think it's important for me to go to one of the best programs. MICHELLE And I think it's important for me to stay in New York. JOE I don't really see the big deal. We can always come back here in four years. MICHELLE Well, I don't see the big deal. You'll be able to do whatever you want with your career and be very well trained in either place. JOE We could live in a little house! On a street with trees! And get a dog! MICHELLE But you're trying to coax me with something I never even wanted in the first place! I hate the suburbs! Well, I do like the idea of the dog. But there are dogs in the city. JOE Is this because you can't drive? MICHELLE No. Well, partially. But mostly because I don't want to move anywhere but here. JOE What's so special about New York? What scares you so much about moving away? MICHELLE Honestly, if you have to ask, you're not going to understand. JOE You know, people do this all the time. Move to other cities. Or one member of a couple moves to another city because the other member gets a job offer too good to turn down. MICHELLE That is correct. But another thing that happens all the time is that one member of a couple decides to settle in a city where the other member has roots, and turn down other jobs or forego other offers to be with their partner. JOE True. MICHELLE True. JOE So let's rank New York first. I love you. You're worth it. MICHELLE Well, I love you too, but I don't want you to feel like you're giving up something for me. To say that I'm "worth it" has an implicit element of real sacrifice. I don't want you to be all sad and wistful for four years thinking "what if?" JOE I won't be. MICHELLE Bullshit, yeah you would. JOE Well, I don't want you to be miserable living where you don't want to be. MICHELLE So it seems that there are only two ways that we're going to get out of this mess. The first is that you concede that you will be well-trained and have a bright, shining career even if you don't attend one of the top three residency programs in your field. The second is that I somehow come to the realization that ________ is a swell town and that I'd be keen on living there for four years. JOE Ha to the second point. All this fussing and worry, and just watch, both of us will go unmatched anyway, and will have to take to the streets, unemployed, living in dumpsters, burning our med school diplomas for warmth. But at least in that scenario, we'd still be in the city. xo Michelle |
