Saturday . May 18 . 2002 . 1:36pm |
the atkins diet Over dinner last night... SHERYL So Heath and I were on the Atkins Diet for a few weeks. But then we had to stop, because Heath was getting steatorrhea [fatty diarrhea]. HEATH Yeah. Then I said no more Atkins. MICHELLE Wait, so explain this Atkins Diet to me. What exactly are the rules? SHERYL You can't eat carbohydrates. MICHELLE So, like, no bread? SHERYL Nope. MICHELLE And no pasta? SHERYL Nope. MICHELLE Wait, aren't fruits and vegetables carbohydrates too? SHERYL Well, we kind of changed the rules so that we could eat as much salad as we wanted, but there are rules and limits about vegetables. And no fruits. MICHELLE So what the hell can you eat? SHERYL We were just eating meat and eggs and cheese non-stop. And you can eat nuts and stuff. MICHELLE That's it? HEATH I think the low point was when we got so lazy about cooking that we just fried up a big pan of sausages for dinner. Just sausage. It was like... (mimes eating multiple sausage links with a fork). MICHELLE Ugh. And that's supposed to work? SHERYL Yeah, it totally worked. I lost, like, 5 pounds. MICHELLE That's a lot. SHERYL Yeah, and I probably could have kept going with it, if Heath didn't make us stop. HEATH I was getting steatorrhea! MICHELLE So you're basically making yourself ketotic. Did it make you smell bad after a while? HEATH Yeah, the steatorrhea smelled bad. MICHELLE I mean, did it make your breath smell bad. SHERYL I don't really know. MICHELLE Frankly, that diet sounds kind of sickening to me. HEATH I think that most of the reason people lose weight on the Atkins Diet is that they just start to feel nauseous all the time, and don't feel like eating anything anyway. MICHELLE That makes sense. (Sudden realization dawns) Wait...can you eat candy on the Atkins Diet? SHERYL No. No carbs. MICHELLE Wait, wait, hold on a second. No candy. SHERYL No. MICHELLE You're telling me that you wouldn't be allowed to eat any candy whatsoever. SHERYL Yes. MICHELLE Just to clarify--if you were on the Atkin's Diet and wanted to eat some Peanut M&Ms, you wouldn't be allowed to? SHERYL Nope. MICHELLE What about Twizzlers? Are they allowed? SHERYL Nope. MICHELLE OK, just one more time, to be absolutely clear... can you eat Chewy Spree on the Atkins Diet? SHERYL Nope. MICHELLE What kind of a sick mind created this diet anyway?! xo Michelle [Please note that I am not endorsing this diet in any way. As you can see, I think it's foul and unhealthy. However, if you would like to form your own opinions, please do your research. Be healthy and responsible, people. We have enough sick people at the hospital as it is.] |
