think of the children
So I've come to a decision, and that decision is that I'm going to be a Pediatrician. And this time, it's final.
I don't know what it was last month that made me so uncertain about my future, only to know that I started having doubts about what it really was that I wanted to do--with my life, with my medical degree, with the years and years of hard work that I've put in so far to get where I am today. I started trying to convince myself that I wanted or needed or liked certain things. I lost track of what it is that really makes me happy. And clichéd as it may sound, the most important thing, despite earning power or prestige or any outwardly visual societal markers of "success," what's really important in the end is that you love what you do, and that your career, your vocation, does not become work.
I love Peds, I think I'm pretty good at it, and I know that being a Pediatrician will make me happy. Now what was so hard about that?
And what the hell was all that about Ob/Gyn?
I came to this revelation in stages, but I think it was really solidified on by rounds in the Children's Hospital that we made last week while we were still on ENT. We were just making regular post-op rounds, checking on kids, talking to parents, and I realized how comfortable I was in that environment, and how much I had missed Peds since I had done it earlier this fall. I could do this, I started to think. I could easily do this for the rest of my life. And then, a subtle change. I will do this. This is what I want.
In recent weeks, my friends were kind of freaking out when I mentioned that I was thinking about Ob/Gyn. Some questioned my sanity. Ob/Gyn is...well...not the most popular life choice. Also, people were so used to thinking of me as a pediatrician, they were practically shorting their circuits at the prospect of me being anything else. "But...you...you're Peds! You've always been Peds! What happened to Peds?" I continued to vacillate. I was flipping back and forth for weeks. But (and here's the part where it unfortunately starts to sound like The Wonder Years) that morning on rounds, everything became so clear.
MICHELLE (Whispering to Andy) I've decided. I'm doing Peds.
ANDY (Whispering) What?
MICHELLE I'm doing Peds. Fuck Ob/Gyn. What was I thinking? I'm doing Peds.
ANDY (Delighted) You love kids!
It's nice to be decided again. It's nice to know where I'm going.
xo Michelle |