Tuesday . May 26 . 2002 . 10:48pm
cavalcade of oscar fashion II
On the whole, what can I say about Oscar fashions this year? Ugly dresses. Ugly, ugly dresses. Yet, what do I know, I'm sitting here at my computer in sweatpants. Let's begin, shall we?
Jennifer Connelly, aka the chick in "Labyrinth"
Oh, where to begin. First of all, I would say that a good tip is to wear a dress that's a different color from that of your skin. Second of all, wear a dress that doesn't look quite so much like a paper bag that's been left out in the rain for several days after getting blown up into a tree. Third, wear a dress that pushes your boobs up instead of smashing them down into flat little discs. Oh, the tragedy of it all. The scarf would be a nice touch, except for my different-from-skin-tone rule, and the fact that the dress is so eye-gougingly horrible that no amount of accessorizing can save it. And so sad, because she's all pretty and such nonetheless.
Nicole Kidman, the Australian divorcee
So this dress is slightly less horrible than the last, but still, in my opinion, pretty horrible. First, in that it violates the skin tone rule. Second, in that it looks like a lampshade. Third, it's really not that fancy or elegant. It looks like a really ugly sundress that you might wear to a barbecue. And then everyone at the barbecue would laugh at you behind your back for wearing a lampshade. Seriously, people.
Kate Winslet of the saucy accent
I just wanted to show what is in my opinion a fashion- forward yet still pretty dress at this juncture. I like the red. I like the flower thing, whatever it is. I like the curvaceous shape. Dear Kate Winslet, you are hot.
Gwyneth "I'm friends with Madonna!" Paltrow
Uh. Mah. GOD. That dress is wrong. It's kind of like that J. Lo dress from last year where her boobs showed through the top, only it's not even pretty. It's just kind of lace-up punkish and grody, like a sweaty leotard or something.
You know, even though I agree that she's something of a latter-day fashion icon, I always thought it was weird that people made such a big deal out of Gwyneth Paltrow picking her clothes and accessories, all on her own, without the aid of a stylist. Oh, you mean like REGULAR WOMEN ACROSS THE LAND? Wow, what a brave, original fashion maven she is!
Speaking of J. Lo...
Again with the too-light tones. Again with the dress that smushes the boobs instead of enhancing them. What happened here? J. Lo has nice boobs! Here they look non-existent, like mine. And what's with the dress, that looks like it got all caught up and twisted in something? This dress does nothing for her, nothing, I say!
And I will not even touch the Barbarella hair. Has the world gone insane?
Halle Berry (she's black!)
Some people said that this dress was gorgeous. Some people said that this dress was vulgar. I fell somewhere in between, in that I thought this dress was indeed gorgeous, but only on Halle Berry.
Did anyone else find it odd, by the way, that anytime during the award show that anyone mentioned something like "people of color," "equality," or anything related to Sidney Poitier, the camera kept cutting to either Halle Berry, Will Smith, Denzel Washington, or Samuel L. Jackson? Because they're black, see? Get it? Get it?
Renee Zellwegger (she's skinny!)
Remember how last year, I was talking about how after winning for Boys Don't Cry, Hillary Swank spent the whole year afterwards proving to America that she isn't really a boy? Well, apparently, after getting nominated for
Bridget Jones's Diary, Rene Zellwegger is going to spend the rest of her life trying to prove to us that she isn't really fat.
Bridget Jones's Diary, Rene Zellwegger is going to spend the rest of her life trying to prove to us that she isn't really fat.
(And no, I don't think she was "fat" in the movie, I think she looked good, but you know what I'm saying.)
Josh Hartnett???
I just don't get this kid Josh Hartnett. And by that, I mean I don't get his appeal. I guess he's kinda cute and all, but to me, he looks like any of the thousands of white preppy private school kids I see playing lacrosse in Central Park any day of the week. What's so special about Josh Hartnett, people?
By the way, this is the same way I feel about Ben Affleck.
GATTACA revisited
If Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke got into a fight, who do you think would win?
My bets are with the lady.
Russell Crowe and his little blonde sidekick
Russell Crowe just doesn't look good when he's trying to look good. That's all there is to it. At least he's not wearing some horrible I-defy-you-Hollywood-establishment- rebel-outfit, though. Get a haircut, you hippie!
Jodie Foster puts the lotion in the basket
Dear Jodie Foster, you are also hot. And, you have legs! I never knew you had legs, since all you ever wear are those long dresses and suits. Way to go, lady!
