02_03_23

crouching tiger, peeking duck

I started writing this entry yesterday, hence the Saturday, March 23rd heading. But right now, as I'm posting things, it's Sunday. Just to alert you to the time discrepancy. You know, because you were all really concerned about that.

Dinner yesterday was great. I was actually groaning and holding my giant distended belly when we walked out of the restaurant, because I think I ate too much. My favorite part of the meal, personally, was the Peking Duck. I haven't had Peking Duck since I was a little kid, when we ordered it at this restaurant in Hong Kong for my grandmother's birthday. But now that I've rediscovered it, I'm going to want it all the time.

For those unfamiliar, the dish basically consists of...a DUCK (duh) that has been fed tremendous amounts of duck feed its entire life, so that it develops this nice layer of fat under its skin. This fat layer is, I believe, the crucial feature of Peking Duck when it's cooked, though I have no idea what the cooking process entails. When the duck comes to your table, it's encased in this crispy, brown layer of skin'n'fat, which is then expertly peeled off in slices, with chunks of the underlying duck meat, and served wrapped up in a tortilla-like thing with some plum sauce and a few vegetable stalks. Clearly, this might not be the best thing for one's cardiovascular health, but luckily, I can't afford to eat Peking Duck unless I'm eating with my parents anyway, so I think I'll be OK.

Also, we had a champagne toast. Everyone made a big show of making sure to clink everyone else's glasses at the table, like one of those giant conbinatorix math problems--with seven people at the table, how many "clinks" before all combinations are satisfied? It was fun.

My mom is really excited about this whole wedding thing, which is good. However, I'm still trying to figure out how to redirect her on certain matters. Like the matter of the photographer. You see, my mother is convinced--CONVINCED--that we should hire this photographer that one of her office secretaries hired for her wedding. The photo package that she's pushing entails this so-called "studio session" where the bride and groom show up to the photo studio several days before the wedding, get all their hair and make-up done for "studio lighting" (read: pancake makeup, giant red lips, big bouffant 'do) and dress up in a series of costumes to pose against vivid backdrops for these horrible, horrible pictures. I'm talking, like,
Glamourshots. I'm talking bride and groom wearing studio-rented lace-and-beads wedding finery, posed against a backdrop of a waterfall with a frigging rainbow painted over it, contorted in some contrived-ass photo-shoot pose (groom holding his chin in his hand, bride looking back and the camera over her shoulder, that sort of thing), with a layer of Vasaline smeared over the photo lens to lend that sort of romantic haze. And did I mention that the bride is holding a pastel lacy parasol? Vomitus.

MICHELLE

(Trying to be diplomatic)

These are very...interesting. But I think

Joe and I were thinking something a little more...naturalistic...for our photos.

MOM

Naturalistic?

MICHELLE

You know, like outdoor photos,

not quite so...posed. Not that these

aren't nice...for them...but we're thinking something maybe a little different.

MOM

What, outdoors? You want to take

your own pictures? Because I'm telling you, they're not going to turn out well.

MICHELLE

No, we'll get a professional photographer,

I'm just saying that we might not do

the studio session...concept.

MOM

But they do all the make-up for you!

MICHELLE

I know.

MOM

And the hair! And you can use their costumes! Whatever costumes you want, not just these!

MICHELLE

We were thinking something a little more...simple.

MOM

You can do both! You can have the studio session the day before, and then do your whatever whatever outdoor photos the day of the wedding!

MICHELLE

Uh huh.

MOM

(Conspiratorially)

You know, this girl in the photos?

In real life, she's not really that pretty. Actually, she's kind of homely. But they did the make-up, and the lighting, and somehow made her look good for these photos. (Pause) That's why I think you should look into this photo session.

MICHELLE

ARE YOU SAYING I'M UGLY?!

So you see how this is going. Planning a wedding is a pain in my ass. We haven't even really started planning and it's already a pain in my ass. Plus, we're both in med school now. How are we supposed to have time to do this? Wrestle with caterers and florists and DJs and invitations? I barely have time to floss. Well, that's not true. I just don't like flossing.

Michelle

The Minelli Nuptuals: Liza-palooza!

People Magazine, March 22, 2002

(Pictured above, from left to right: The guy who married Liza Minelli, Liza Minelli herself, co-Best Man Michael Jackson, and co-Matron of Honor Elizabeth Taylor.)

Excerpt from the article:

After the 36-member bridal party had assembled at the altar -- including two matrons of honor (Taylor and Minnelli's Cabaret costar Marisa Berenson), 13 bridesmaids, two best men (Michael and Tito Jackson), two ushers, 13 groomsmen, two flower girls and two flower boys -- Minnelli finally made her entrance on the arm of her close friend, conductor Bill LaVorgna. Clad in an ivory-crepe empire gown designed by Bob Mackie, the bride "looked gorgeous," says Rooney, 81, who arrived with his eighth wife, Jan, 63. After sharing a premature hug and kiss, the couple exchanged vows in a nondenominational ceremony (Minnelli is Catholic; Gest is half Jewish and half Christian). "Gosh almighty, we had a few tears in our eyes," says singer Robert Goulet. (Read the full story >>)

Since these two young kids just got hitched and are, for now, happy, I will withhold snarky commentary. Instead, I trust you enough to fill in your own. The best parts of the article, in case you don't feel like clicking the link:

When Elizabeth Taylor showed up to the wedding wearing her slippers because she forgot her shoes at the hotel.

Every time Tito Jackson's name was mentioned. Heh, his name is Tito.

When they talked about the newlyweds sucking face on the altar. "Tito Jackson said of his friend Gest, 'I had never seen him kiss anyone, so for me, seeing him kiss Liza like that was the most exciting.'" Dude, he got a boner from watching them make out. Also, gross. Also, Tito. Heh.

The fact that the wedding favors were cookies painted with pictures of the newlyweds's faces.

This quote: "It was a combination of the Oscars, the Grammys and the Golden Globes... fabulous!" Yeah, wow. Mickey Rooney, Robert Goulet, Dionne Warwick and Donald Trump? It's a parade of stars! Help, I've been blinded, the glow is so bright! Oh, whoops, I'm getting snarky. But hey, I can't help it. It's Liza Minelli's Great Big Hollywood Wedding!