Thursday . March 21 . 2002 . 10:10pm |
decision and indecision I had the most typical school-anxiety dream last night, so standard in content that it's almost laughable. In the dream, I was in high school, and I had a big Social Studies test that I had sorta kinda studied for, despite the fact that I had been cutting all my classes since the beginning of the semester. I walked into the classroom, pretty cocky, but totally aware that the teacher had no clue who I was, seeing as how I had never shown up for lecture. He handed out the exams. And when I read through the sheet (ten short answer, one large essay), I realized that while cutting class and reading the textbook at home, I had totally studied the wrong topic. I had thought that it was going to be a test on American Government, but it turns out that the topic was really Ancient European History. The questions were all like, "Name three major sources of strife among the populace during the reign of King Edward" and random stuff like that. I looked around the classroom, and everyone else was furiously scribbling away. I re-read all the questions. I knew none of the answers. I didn't even know the proper vocabulary and context with which to formulate bullshit answers. I was descending into a panic. I woke up with a start shortly thereafter, at 2:30 in the morning, and still wasn't quite sure whether or not the test was dream or reality. My sister always tells me that my dreams are so groaningly predictable that they're not even any fun to interpret. I agree. I attribute this, quite logically, to school and career-related stress, which, when you're in med school, are one and the same. For a while, I've wanted to be a Pediatrician. Even before I really knew I wanted to be a Pediatrician, I've been doing things that people who want to be Pediatricians do. Working with kids. Volunteering at children's hospitals. Teaching at high schools. When I did my Peds rotation this past fall and enjoyed it, I was so relieved, because so long as I kept on liking Pediatrics, I could stay on this track that I now in retrospect see that I've been riding for the past five to ten years. I enjoy children, I like the role of being their doctor, and I do actually know that I'd be pretty good at it if I decide to go that route. But as always, with big decisions come big indecision. I'm having an eleventh hour crisis, second-guessing myself and wondering what if, what is it that I really like, what do I want, what do I need. I've been on the fence between Pediatrics and Internal Medicine for a while, but over the past few days, I've been getting some strange notions into my head. Not to say strange, just different. Emergency Medicine. Ophthalmology. General Surgery. Gynecologic Oncology. Where are these ideas coming from? And should I act on them, or are they just last-minute freak-out thoughts? And what if I do decide to change my mind and pursue something else. Where do I start? Who do I talk to? I know that they say it's never too late to switch tracks, but why does it feel that way? I don't know. There's a schmoozy-type career cocktail hour next week back at school that I think I'm going to try to go to. I'll talk to attendings and residents. I'll get more information. I'll sort out my thoughts. And hopefully, sanity will prevail and I'll end up doing Peds after all. xo Michelle |
