Tuesday . March 5 . 2002 . 10:00pm |
idle hands A conversation over lunch today... GUILLEM Yeah, so then this guy told me I couldn't be a hand model. MICHELLE What, they have male hand models too? GUILLEM Yeah sure, why not? MICHELLE I don't know, I just always thought of hand models as... (makes a dainty little hand gesture, pinkie fingers extended) You know, like lady hands modeling lotion or rings or something. GUILLEM Sure they have male hand models. Manly hands. BOBERT So why can't you be a hand model? GUILLEM Because of this bump here (indicates imperceptible protrusion on right ring finger), and I don't have enough hair here (pointing to backs of hands) or here (pointing to first finger joint). That's why I'd never be able to cut it. MICHELLE Wait, they want you to have hair on your hands? GUILLEM Yeah. To look more manly. MICHELLE So you don't have enough hand hair to be a hand model. The shame. BOBERT I'm only going to say this one more time, but you guys should really watch "Zoolander." Because there's this character in the movie who's a hand model too. MICHELLE What "too?" Guillem can't be a hand model. BOBERT And the hand model is played by David Duchoveny. MICHELLE I can't be a hand model either. Because my hands are too manly. BOBERT What do you mean too manly? They're tiny and non-hairy. MICHELLE Yeah, but they're not pointy. Girls have pointy fingers. I have stubby fingers. HEATH You could be a hand model representing small people. MICHELLE Yeah, small boys. BOBERT Hand models are crazy about their hands, though. Like they have to protect them from injury all the time and they can't do anything. Hey, did any of your guys see the Saturday Night Live skit where Bill Murray plays an ex-hand model? (Silence) BOBERT It was pretty funny, is all. JOE Hey, one time, my grandfather fell off a ladder, but got his wedding ring caught on the ladder, and the force of his fall ripped his whole finger off! (Group horror) HEATH Oh, I should tell my uncle that story. Because that's his excuse for not wearing his wedding band. He says it's because he works with heavy machinery. MICHELLE Whatever. He's cruising for chicks. BOBERT I had this math teacher in high school who somehow got all his fingers sawed off in some freak accident. And he would always use that hand with the finger stumps to point at the board. MICHELLE Did he have chalk dust all over his stumps? Ew. BOBERT Also, my dad, this one time, chopped off his own thumb by accident with a saw, and he had to have it surgically reattached. I'm serious, it was hanging off by, like, a strip of flesh. GUILLEM Wait, did he save the ring? JOE What? GUILLEM Your grandfather. JOE Yeah. Actually, he still carries the finger around with the ring attached. (Group groans) MICHELLE (All excited) I have this friend? Who worked at a deli? And one day she was using the meat slicer, and she wasn't looking, and she sliced off the tip of her finger!! GUILLEM Wow. Could they reattach it? MICHELLE Well...no...it wasn't like that much was cut off. It was only the fleshy tip. You can't even really tell from looking at her finger. HEATH Oh. Well, did she serve the sandwich with the finger flesh in it? MICHELLE Uh...probably not. I think she just threw the meat out. HEATH Well...did she sue the deli? MICHELLE No. It was actually her parent's deli. (silence) JOE Wow. That was a really interesting story. MICHELLE We were talking about chopped-off fingers! That's my chopped-off finger story! GUILLEM (Comforting, trying to find some redeeming quality of the anecdote) Well, cutting her finger like that, it must have been really bloody or something. MICHELLE Probably. I mean, definitely. Definitely. Maybe she even has some phantom pain where that flesh sliver used to be. RESIDENT Uh, guys, I think it's time to get back to work. |
